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Let’s face it: getting a teenager to accept feedback is a little like trying to convince a cat to take a bath - there’s going to be some resistance! But what if we could help them see feedback as something valuable? Not as criticism or a personal attack, but as a gift that helps them grow?
It’s a tough mindset shift, but so important for their development. Here’s how you, as a parent, can help them embrace feedback—and maybe even appreciate it! (This is when I wish I could put emojis in my blogs!!)
1. Start with yourself (really sorry but yes, you!)
Before launching into how your teen should accept feedback, think about how you handle it yourself. Do you cringe, get defensive or feel attacked when someone gives you constructive criticism? (I hate those words so from now let's all call it feedback.) Or do you accept it graciously and use it to improve?
They’re watching you - even when you think they aren’t.
Modelling is huge. Next time you get feedback, whether at work, from a friend, or even your teen (I've no doubt they will dish it out from time to time), try to react calmly and show them how you’re processing it. Share your thought process:
“Thank you, that’s an interesting point, I hadn’t thought of it that way.”
“Thank you, I’ll definitely try to work on that.”
Let them see that feedback doesn’t have to be scary. It’s just information to help us improve. The more relaxed you are about it, the more likely they are to adopt a similar approach.
2. Make it clear: Feedback is about growth, not Judgement
Teenagers are in a delicate stage where self-esteem can easily take a hit. They often hear feedback and immediately think, I’m not good enough or I’m failing. Help them separate what they do from who they are.
One way to do this is by reframing feedback as part of their personal development journey. Use the word “growth”, lots, because it's positive and forward-thinking:
“Feedback is like a guidebook that shows you how to grow as a person and get better at something.”
“It’s not about who you are, it’s about improving skills. Everyone gets feedback—even adults!”
Make sure they understand that even super successful people get feedback all the time. Feedback isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a secret weapon for levelling up.
If they are into sport, music or drama get talking about how famous people in their area of interest stay at the top of their profession - they have a whole team of people to give them feedback and help them develop.
3. Encourage curiosity, not defensiveness
When your teen gets feedback, their knee-jerk reaction might be to defend themselves or make excuses. This is where the eye rolls come in. Instead of letting them shut down, encourage them to get curious.
You can say something like:
“Hmm, that’s interesting. What do you think they meant by that feedback?”
“How could you use that information to do even better next time?”
The goal is to make feedback less about being right or wrong and more about gathering data. Help them see feedback as a tool to explore and get better, rather than as something that’s designed to tear them down.
4. Let them vent, (it’s ok to feel frustrated)
Let’s be honest - sometimes feedback stings, especially if it feels unexpected or harsh. It’s okay to let your teen feel frustrated about it. What’s important is helping them move past that initial reaction.
You can be their sounding board. Let them vent a little:
“Ugh, I can’t believe my teacher said I need to focus more during lessons.”
“My teacher marked me down because she said my essay didn’t have enough analysis. What?!”
Acknowledge that it’s hard to hear stuff like that. Then, after they’ve let out their feelings, gently shift the conversation toward a growth mindset angle while validating their feelings:
“I understand that you are feeling ......... (angry, frustrated etc.). But if we take what your teacher said/wrote, how could you use that feedback to improve next time?”
Sometimes they just need to let out the frustration before they can really listen to what’s being said.
5. Turn feedback into a game plan
Teens love to feel in control of their lives, and feedback can feel like something being done to them. Flip that script! Help them see that feedback is just the first step, and what they do with it is totally in their hands.
Sit down with them and come up with an action plan based on the feedback they got:
“So, your teacher said your essay needed more analysis. Can you come up with three ideas that you could use next time”
“Your teacher thinks you need to work on focus. What’s one thing you could try in your next lesson to improve that?”
Breaking feedback down into bite-sized, manageable tasks can make it feel less overwhelming. Plus, it empowers them to take control of their growth.
6. Celebrate Their Progress
Acting on feedback leads to improvement. So when they start making those small changes, celebrate it! It could be as simple as pointing out when you’ve noticed them using feedback to get better. Be as specific as possible:
“I saw how you applied your teacher’s advice in that essay—great job!”
“Your teacher told me at parents evening that you focus is improving, well done!”
When they see that feedback leads to results (and that you’re proud of them for using it), they’ll be much more likely to embrace it in the future.
7. Remind them: accepting and using feedback is a lifelong skill
Finally, remind your teen that learning how to accept and use feedback is a skill they’ll need forever. Whether they’re in school, working a part-time job, or dealing with relationships, feedback will always be part of life. It’s not something to fear; it’s something that can give them an edge.
You might say:
“Think of being able to calmly accept feedback as a superpower. The better you get at using the feedback, the more you’ll improve.”
“No one gets it right the first time. That’s why feedback exists - to help you get closer to your goals.”
In the end, helping your teenager see feedback as a gift won’t happen overnight. It takes time, patience, and lots of encouragement. But with these strategies, you can guide them to a place where they not only accept feedback but start to seek it out as a tool for success.
And who knows - one day, they might even thank you for it. (We can all dream, can't we?)
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