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Fed up with being brushed off by your teen? Wanting to find a way to engage in meaningful conversations with them? Maybe you're coming across as confrontational and judgemental, without even realising it.
Ah, the teenage years. A time of rapid growth, self-discovery, and, let’s face it, some pretty intense eye rolls. As parents, you want to stay connected and supportive, but getting through to your teen(s) can feel like trying to decode ancient hieroglyphics. Here’s a little secret: the questions we ask can make a world of difference. Specifically, asking 'how' and 'what' questions can open up communication more effectively than 'why' questions. Let’s look into why this is the case and how you can put it into practice.
The problem with 'Why' questions
Picture this: you notice your teen hasn't done their homework. Your immediate reaction might be to ask, "Why didn't you do your homework?" Seems straightforward, right? But here’s the kicker—'why' questions often come across as accusatory or judgmental, even if that’s not your intention. They can make your teen feel defensive and less inclined to share.
When teens hear a 'why' question, their brains might interpret it as a challenge to their decisions or behaviour. This can lead to them shutting down, giving vague answers, or worse, lying to avoid confrontation. So, while "Why didn’t you do your homework?" seems like a simple inquiry, it might be building a wall instead of a bridge.
The Magic of 'How' and 'What' Questions
Now, let’s reframe that homework scenario. Instead of asking "Why didn’t you do your homework?" try asking, "What was going on that made it hard to start your homework?" or "How can I help you get your homework done?" These questions do a few important things:
They Show Interest Without Judgment: 'How' and 'what' questions express curiosity about your teen’s perspective without implying criticism. This helps them feel understood and respected.
They Encourage Detailed Responses: These types of questions require more thoughtful answers. Instead of getting a defensive "I don’t know," you might hear about specific struggles or distractions your teen is facing.
They Promote Problem-Solving: Asking 'how' can lead to collaborative solutions. "How can we make homework time easier?" invites your teen to brainstorm with you, fostering a sense of teamwork.
They Keep the Conversation Open-Ended: 'What' and 'how' questions can’t be answered with a simple 'yes' or 'no.' They keep the dialogue flowing, giving you more insight into your teen’s world.
Putting It Into Practice
Switching from 'why' to 'how' and 'what' questions takes a bit of practice, but it’s totally worth it. Here are some scenarios to help you get started:
Coming home after the agreed time: Instead of "Why are you late?" try "What happened that made you late?" or "How can we make sure you get home on time next time?"
Poor Grades: Instead of "Why did you get ‘X’(insert result) in your test?" ask "What part of the test was most challenging for you?", “What do you need to do differently next time? or "How do you think we can improve your study routine?"
Emotional Upset: Instead of "Why are you so upset?" try "What’s going on that’s making you feel this way?" or "How can I support you right now?"
Conclusion: Building Better Connections
Changing the way you ask questions can transform your interactions with your teen(s). By using 'how' and 'what' questions, you create a more supportive and open environment for them to express themselves. This not only helps you understand them better but also strengthens your relationship during these pivotal years.
So next time you’re faced with a parenting challenge, remember: the right questions can unlock the door to better communication and deeper connection with your teen. Give it a try and watch your conversations transform!
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